Last night, I made an inaccurate assessment of my own strength. Encouraged by a heavy discount, I bought two crates of beer (each holding 24 bottles) and attempted to carry them home. It was also raining (but that's not the part that bothered me). Even after transferring about 10 bottles to my backpack, the crates felt so heavy. My arms are so weak! I would carry the crates 20 metres at a time, before laying them on the ground during intermittent breaks. I was supposed to meet Ania at 8pm to go over her Master's thesis, but I wasn't home by that time. Luckily, I got her to meet me halfway along Hasseltstraat, and she helped me carry the crates the rest of the way - resting them on her bike.
The beer was more expensive than the advertised price, but there are cash incentives to return the crates and empty bottles. This seems like a good system to me.
It was raining this morning, so I felt glad that I wasn't riding my bike. (If I were, I think I would have got much more wet). This is one reason why I am leaning towards not buying a replacement bike.
For work today, I have a simple goal: not to do or say anything which is motivated primarily by sarcasm or spite. This will be interesting, because when I am angry, the urge to act on spite is at its highest.
posted by James 9:36 am
My relationship with Paul has reached an all time low. We had a huge fight in the morning, and I am the closest that I have ever been to quitting. (He probably feels that he is the closest that he has been to firing me).
I was the first one in the office today. Paul and Luca arrived minutes apart from each other, at around 10:30am. I was feeling hungry, and had used up all of the lunch supplies that I had bought on Monday. I wanted to stock up for the next two days, so I confirmed with Luca whether it was alright if I went to the supermarket. He could take care of the office in the meantime, and when he had his lunch later, I would do the same for him. Teamwork.
I was barely out of the door, when Paul called after me. I went back inside and asked him what he wanted. He was angry that I was leaving the office at 10:30am to go to the supermarket. He said that I was disobeying something we had apparently agreed on last week – that I would only take my 30-minute lunch break sometime between 12:30pm and 1:30pm.
This was news to me. I know there had been some general discussion about taking breaks and the underlying rationale, but nothing had been said about the times when I must have lunch. From what I understood, I could have my break whenever I wanted, so long as there was someone taking care of the office and work colleagues were being respectful to each other (with respect to taking breaks).
So, from my point of view, he was making up new rules and blaming me for not following them. This annoyed me very much.
Maybe it shouldn’t have come as a surprise to me. The only thing that he is consistent with, is being inconsistent. It seems like he is always changing the parameters of the office. Interpreting past conversations differently and criticising me when I don’t do what he intended me to do. How can I possibly act, if the parameters are changing all of the time? It’s impossible to communicate with him when he does this, because he adopts the arrogant attitude that he is always right and has a perfect memory of past events. He simply will not budge.
I was pleased with how calm I was at the beginning. I kept my cool and tried to get to the root of the issue through some questioning. I found out that the only reason for stipulating a time for lunch, like he did, is “tradition”. Apparently, this is when people usually have lunch, so therefore that’s when I must have lunch. This seems silly to me. I have always thought that “tradition” is a fairly weak reason for continuing a practice, particularly when it is the only reason.
Having said that, I probably wouldn’t have cared that much, if the rule were clear from the outset. I was more upset at his inconsistency and his attitude, than the rule itself.
I just wanted the “conversation” to be over, but he kept on talking. He gave me his usual tirade about me not being a team player, how I’m so selfish and keep on disobeying his rules. It’s important to note that he wasn’t shouting, but more repeating his points over and over, in a condescending manner. I couldn’t hold myself back any more, so I made it clear to him how I thought his lunch rule was stupid, how this conversation would demotivate me for the rest of the day and how I couldn’t believe he would get stressed over something so immaterial.
The tirade continued. I was getting riled up, and had to try really hard not to start shouting at him. I wanted the conversation to end. If he was trying to make any points, it was useless because I was in no mood to listen to him. I kept repeating the word “patience” to myself, and avoided eye contact. I think this provoked him even further.
When he finished, it was about 11am. I couldn’t go out to lunch and had to get back to work. I started looking through some folders on the table in the front room, but obviously my ability to focus was completely gone. I was filled with anger and kept thinking about how much I hated him.
As for Paul, he simply got back to work. I guess that’s understandable, as he had had his big vent - all his energy was released and he could concentrate.
Just 15 minutes after the big fight, he called me into his office to discuss changes to a spreadsheet. This is just normal work and shouldn’t be a problem. But, I was very much overflowing with emotion and something had to give. I couldn’t leave the office. I couldn’t go for a run, and I couldn’t very well start smashing something. Paul asked me a question, and I just burst into tears! The threshold had been passed and there was nowhere else for the emotion to go. There had to be a release. I excused myself, and for the next five minutes, I was pretty much crying uncontrollably in the bathroom. I think it was a bodily reaction that was inevitable as I hadn’t been able to release the emotion any other way.
When I came out of the bathroom, I thought that I might be ready to go over the spreadsheet again, but Paul wisely told me to take a walk outside to calm down. That was the first sensible thing he had said all morning. After leaving the office, I walked for 10 minutes along the road and back. I kicked every rubbish bin I saw, really hard. (This is not such a good idea for someone training for a marathon, and I was lucky not to injure a foot).
When I got back to the office, the working day just continued. We didn’t say anything else about what happened in the morning. Although, I have noticed that Paul has been trying to explain things better than he had been doing before.
This probably goes without saying, but my motivation to work was completely shot to pieces. I spent the rest of the day on a sort of slow motion, auto pilot mode, just doing what Paul asked me to do, clockwatching, and wishing that the day were over.
After things like these, I think it is no wonder that I restrict myself to doing exactly (and only) what Paul tells me to do. It just seems safer.
It was probably a good thing that I couldn’t write this diary entry straight after the incident. I would have been literally smashing the keyboard. Now that it’s the end of the day, I can look back at things with a cooler mind and reflect on what happened. Nevertheless, I am still very angry at this situation.
Why do I hate Paul right now? The main reason would be the inconsistency. In my opinion, he says one thing, then later claims that he said something else. He is all talk but doesn’t follow up with action. He claims that he respects me, but his actions show otherwise. I also don’t like the hypocrisy. How can he talk about people taking lunch at the normal time of 12:30, etc, when he doesn’t even come down to the office until 11am, and has lunch whenever he feels like it. He expects me to do as he says, and then contradicts it with his actions.
I used to joke to myself that he has pioneered a new management theory, “management by contradiction”. Now, I’m beginning to wonder if such a thing is really a joke or not.
Time and again, I think he must just be a mean-spirited person who likes to pick on me, or maybe he is just plain incompetent. I don’t know how he has managed to build a successful consulting practice if he uses this management style that he does. But, is he just mean, and has something in for me? That just sounds stupid. And, I hope that’s not the case. But, his arrogant attitude just gets to me.
From another perspective, this seems like one of those jobs that I can use as a case-study for any employment application or job interview. There are so many episodes of conflict and it seems like the ideal place to master skills of patience, manage anger and get used to people with bad management styles like my boss. That would be looking on the bright side. And, maybe that’s the only way that I can stay at this job and keep my sanity. Treat it is a difficult but, in the end, worthwhile, character-building, learning experience. But, what’s the point if at the same time, I am thinking, “I hate this job, and I want to go home”. It’s futile.
This weekend, I am going to give serious consideration as to whether I should stay on at this job or just quit and look for something else. This is my big headache.
posted by James 7:03 pm
My new housemates are cool. Last night, we all had dinner together. Bob and Rachel cooked it all while I was doing my "after run" stuff. It was a huge saucepan of pasta, sauce and chunky vegetables. Very nice. We are going to buy some essentials for the house this weekend. A toasted sandwich maker (perfect for easy winter dinners) and two huge crates of discounted beer.
Last night I walked to Steven's house (only 30 minutes away) and watched the first New Zealand v South Africa game on DVD. OK, so it's a full month after it happened, but it's nice to watch one of New Zealand's huge rugby victories. Steven and I joked about what I could do for my New Zealand presentation. I want to make a fun quiz about New Zealand, probably multi-choice. Maybe even offer a prize for first place. I will get around to writing questions this weekend.
posted by James 8:30 am
Yesterday, I began an experiment with my waking hours. On working days, I will wake up at 6:15am, eat breakfast and walk to the train station to catch the 7:09am train to 's-Hertogenbosch. This gets me to work at 7:30am. I then have an hour and a half to do my e-mailing and diary entry that I would usually do at the end of the day. This way, I can go home at 5:30pm. I have much more time to do things in the evening.
I made this decision because a few times, last week, I had been getting home very late. I was too hungry to go for a run because it was so long after lunch. I would forgo the run and feel disappointed with myself.
Last night, I tried to go to sleep at 10:30pm (to compensate for an earlier wake-up). I haven't done this since I was 14! This was hard. I think I was lying there for 90 minutes, just willing myself to get to sleep! That tactic doesn't usually work. I ended up watching more television until I was tired enough. Waking up at 6:15am is difficult. More accurately, getting out of bed at 6:15am is difficult! It's only just getting light outside and my bed feels so comfortable.
posted by James 9:31 am
Often, when I think about the world, I get bogged down in its complexity. There are so many elements and so many possible interactions, consequences and perspectives. It gives me a headache. I want a simple understanding of things.
But, when I put my analysis aside for a while, and just concentrate on my own goals, the headache subsides. The world seems simpler, but only if I am not directly thinking about it. This is strange. It is like certain optical tricks where you can see something, but only "out of the corner of your eye". If you look directly at the place where it should be, it "disappears".
posted by James 6:25 pm
A person can exercise a certain degree of control over everything in his/her environment. This can range from no control to almost complete control.
What are the boundaries of a person? Perhaps a person's body is just an element of his/her environment over which they (usually) have a high degree of control? If so, what is the person? Is the concept of "soul" relevant? Does this insight have any value for how someone lives their life?
posted by James 1:19 pm