The heat is stifling today. I was walking to the bank to make a money transfer and I started to sweat before I had even reached the end of the road! It's uncomfortable to wear your work clothes while you are sweating. If it weren't for convention, I would come to work wearing shorts and a singlet. I am relishing the idea of a cold shower when I get home.
The Dutch banking system can be frustrating. I couldn't make the money transfer because my bank account is at the Rabobank in Tilburg, not 's-Hertogenbosch. I have to actually go to the branch in Tilburg to do this.
posted by James 12:18 pm
Marian (a new member) hosted dinner at her place as the Thursday night reception event. I turned up late due to my going for a run after work. The food was great and it was very well organised.
Huimei looked stunning. She said that she had an appointment after dinner. From the context, I think she meant “date”. I also felt that she was a little cold towards me. From time to time, she was making comments that weren’t directly said to me, yet must have been intended for me to hear. (I really dislike that). I’m disappointed with how things have turned out. This door is closed for now.
I was only interested in her for just over a week, so this is no big tragedy. Maybe things will be different later, but there is no point in thinking about that now.
posted by James 10:05 am
For the past two nights, I have had trouble getting to sleep. I get stuck thinking about how I should approach things with Huimei. I feel like I don’t need to know any more information. I want to go out with her and I want to tell her this.
I have a strong urge to be open and honest about it. That’s what my instinct tells me to do. I want to open the floodgates and tell her everything that’s going through my mind. If Huimei had been in the room, right then, I would have done that. At least, I would have tried to. It would release a burden from my mind and maybe remove any vulnerability I have about this.
But, it’s not that simple. My nagging doubt is that the timing would be terrible. I don’t think she really knows me, so I’m guessing she would say “No”, if I asked her out now. So, it would be better to be patient, right? But, I don’t want to be patient!
I make a mental note to talk about it with someone else (maybe Lia?), then I watch television to distract myself until I am too tired to stay awake.
Both times, my feeling has been quite different the morning after. For some reason, it seems to make perfect sense to be patient. I don’t understand why I had a strong temptation to tell Huimei everything. And, after all, am I really sure I want to go out with her yet? Why was I so sure of this the night before? It is a see-saw of emotions.
My values of openness and patience are clashing. When two people decide go out, it’s just that – two people are deciding, not just one. If I don’t think Huimei has enough information to decide, then I should be patient. It makes little sense to be open if I know that the timing is wrong. Of course, if I delay too long, then the opportunity may come and go before I do anything. It is like a delicate balance. In my current frame of mind, though, it makes sense for patience to win over openness.
posted by James 3:58 pm
Lia organised a night out with her team on Tuesday night. Maja, Moise and I were also invited. There was a barbeque first, but I missed this in favour of my Tuesday night run. I turned up just in time for us to go to ten-pin bowling, a short bike ride away from Steven’s house.
As usual we had to wear those special bowling shoes. I think these shoes look the same all over the world! We paid for how much time we used the lane, rather than on a per game basis. This was strange, as we were about to start our last frame of our second game when we ran out of time. It seemed strange to stop the game at that point.
I played pretty well for myself, getting 126 in the first game, and being on track for something over 100 in the second game.
posted by James 2:59 pm
I stayed at the Monday night drinks for the longest time since I have been here. Despite having work the next day, I left at 12:40am. It was a night of mixed emotions.
It was great to see both Maja and Moise at the drinks, and I enjoyed chatting with them. I told Maja about a trip I am intending to take to Croatia, for an AIESEC conference. She was so jealous! She has invited me to Serbia too (she is there for a month, at around the same time) so I will consider it. I also talked with them about my interest in Huimei. We often talk with each other about the issues/questions that we face during our traineeships. Moise didn’t think it was a good idea that I had put my feelings about this on my online diary. According to him, if Huimei found out, she wouldn’t like it. To test this theory, we asked Maja what she would think in a similar situation. She said that she wouldn’t mind, and, in fact, she would be flattered by it. It is an academic issue, anyway, as I don’t intend for Huimei to read my diary.
I had a nice conversation with Matijs who gave me some practice in speaking and listening to Dutch. I realise that I have a long way to go before I can even hold basic conversations.
I admit that I stayed at the drinks as long as I did, so I could maximise the opportunities I would have to talk with Huimei. It felt like there were so few of them. We only had one conversation. I found out that she already has plans for Wednesday night, so we won’t be going out then. I will need to organise something for some other time. The conversation felt a little strange. I know that she had had a few drinks (her face was so red!) so I’m not sure how much I can take from what she said. Then again, when a person has been drinking, they may be more likely to tell the truth. It is easier to get past the barriers which one usually uses to censor words and actions.
What am I feeling right now? A mixture of frustration and sadness. My impression is that she knows that I’m interested in her, but doesn’t want to get involved in anything right now. Of course, how can I really know? That is what makes me feel that I should hurry up and be direct with her – get it over with. But, then I have second thoughts. Perhaps I should just be more patient. Give her some more time to get to know me. I could treat it like my long distance running. Practise discipline to move slowly, try not to rush things. Her perspective may change, and if I’m too direct too soon, then I’m wasting my opportunity.
I am also paranoid that she sees me only as a trainee, and for that reason sees me as “off limits”. She is on the executive board, and may think that she has to maintain a professional relationship with the trainees at all times. Nothing else. This would make me sad. I would also be frustrated if such a circumstance prevented me from getting to know her better. Sometimes, I wish I couldn’t be labled as a trainee. It seems to have its disadvantages.
posted by James 9:40 am
On Saturday, I had a quiet day at home. I borrowed the CD player from the woman downstairs, and I listened to CDs while I did some housework. I did a big clean up of the kitchen and tidied my room.
While I was sitting at the kitchen table doing a crossword, someone began continuously ringing the doorbell. I went downstairs and opened the door to an angry looking Dutch woman who, I assume, lives on the same street. She asked me if I could understand Dutch, and I replied “een beetje” (a little). So, she started complaining in Dutch at a million miles an hour! Too bad, because I couldn’t understand any of it! I told her it would be better if she spoke in English. Her complaint was full of gross exaggeration and hyperbole. She said that I had been playing my CDs too loud and that you could hear it down the whole street. She told me she was very angry and that she didn’t want to have to come around again.
I was polite and said that I would turn the sound down.
I disagreed with her point, though. I think the volume was at a reasonable level, especially taking the time of day into account. It was afternoon on a Saturday. What is a reasonable volume level at this time, can be higher than what it may be in the evening of a weekday. It was not as if it were nighttime, and she had to wake up early the next day to go to work.
Even if her point of view about the volume were reasonable, the way that she said it was not very constructive. Her tone of voice and use of exaggeration were counterproductive.
I think that most people would accept constructive criticism if it were delivered in a nice way. Otherwise, they may be annoyed with the person – not because of their message, but because of how they delivered it. As such, a spiteful response is more likely. My initial reaction was like this, and I was tempted to go back upstairs and turn the radio up, just because of how she complained to me.
In the end, it seemed like an irrational thing to do, and anyway, I had finished listening to the CDs. But, nevertheless, it was something that I was tempted to do.
If you are communicating with someone, you need to think about how you say something, as well as the actual content of what you say. If your message is reasonable, but you deliver it in a bad way, then you may still end up with a result that you don’t want.
After doing some food shopping in town, I called Huimei to see if she wanted to go out on Wednesday. I had thought about sending a text message, because I was nervous! I am frustrated that I was nervous, particularly when I probably wouldn’t have been nervous making the same phone call last week. It is because I see her in a slightly different way, now.
All that I wanted to do was ask her out for a drink. It still seems strange to me to ask someone out to do something so simple, so far in advance.
After my run, a decided to see if there were really a place in my room to plug in the television. I tested a supposition that it was behind my bed, and it was! So, spent some time rearranging the furniture in my room, so I could plug in the television. There is more space, but I had to take down my Fiona Tan poster.
Sunday’s run was only 30 minutes, but it felt worse than my 90 minute run on Saturday. I think I just prefer longer runs. Steven suggested that it may be because I had the long run on Saturday and I needed more time to recover.
I played pool with Steven on Sunday evening. I was mediocre, but Steven was worse. Hehe. Afterwards, we had some drinks at a cafe where Manon (a new member in AIESEC) works.
posted by James 10:21 am